Thursday, February 2, 2012

Controlled Pain

There are many people who think that cutting is a means of getting attention... As someone who cuts I would like to talk on this topic... For a very long time I was a cutter, many times it was after a traumatic event. One that I didn't know how to express feelings towards, or was too scared to let the feelings come out..

I don't remember the first time I cut, all I remember is the scars. I remember my abuser as a child seeing them and telling me to stop because he would get caught if I didn't... Out of fear of being taken out of my home I stopped for a while. I cut in sobriety, again today I don't remember what was going on but I remember cutting and feeling the relief as soon as any blood was drawn.

Recently I cut again... I have been doing some intense step work and there have been a lot of emotions and feelings that come with this writing. Well, in sobriety we call them emotional black outs, which is where we don't really remember where or how we got to the point of loosing it, but we remember coming to. About two weeks ago, I remember coming to. I had cuts up and down my leg and all across my wrist. I called a friend of mine who is sorta of in recovery. Her mother is also my sponsor. She has since told me that the calmness in my voice, the numbness that she felt in me over the phone scared her.

I can tell you that for me, I do not cut for attention. There is absolutely a sense of relief that comes with it. There are still emotions and feelings that I don't quite have the words to express... As much as I wish I knew how to tell someone what is going on in this head of mine, I still don't know all the answers behind it. Cutting is a lot like drinking for me, there is an immediate sense of relief and ease as soon as the blade cuts the skin, however, there is also an immediate regret, shame and remorse that comes with it. I have been able to get to the point that I do not crave a drink or a drug, I know the path that will lead me on and I want nothing to do with it. With cutting though, there is still a craving for it, the relieve, the comfort, the sense that I am in control of the pain that I feel.

So yes, cutting is a controlled pain. There are many things that have happened in my life that I had no control over as I was a child. Once I found the relief that cutting brought it became a whole new sense of comfort for me. A way to physically see that I bleed too, that there is a pulse inside this body, that I am human... I know that this probably doesn't make much sense but it is the truth.... People don't understand how causing yourself pain will also bring relief. Just like someone doesn't understand why the alcoholic drinks, even after they have lost everything. It doesn't have to make sense... It just is what it is.

Lately I have thought about cutting everyday... I have made the choice of blocking people out of my life and that is my doing, but one thing that will never leave me is that blade, the feeling, the relief, the success of getting what is inside out. As a cutter, that is the craving that comes, that will not be silenced until I cut. But I have to remember the regret, remorse and shame that also comes as soon as I finish the process. The regret of having another scar that I have to hide, the remorse of hurting myself, a child of God and the shame that comes from having to tell the people that love me what I have done.

For now that is what is keeping me from cutting again, I hope that it will be enough,,,