There was a time where I called you my best friend

Now you take their side

I trusted you to have my back

You promised to never leave my side

Where are you now?

Where were you today?

I needed my sister

I needed my best friend

Someone who knows how bad they can get

You weren't there

You lied

I can't trust you

I love you

Please stay away

Diseased Individual

I am a Diseased Indiviual

My body screams for anything that can harm me

A drink

A drug

Sex

Cutting

These things when I use them become my drug

I cry out for them

I want the escape

When I feel that burning sensation down my chest I feel the warmth on my cold heart

When I snort that line, smoke that pipe or pop that pill my head shuts up and you no longer matter to me

When I get fucked I want more of it, again an escape something that makes me feel worthy, something that makes me feel loved

I want you, I need you!!!!

I want to feel that warmth on my heart, I want to feel that escape!!!

I need this head to shut up!!!

Love me, tell me I matter.

Now the consequences are real

Im in hand cuffs, I dont know what I did

I caused more pain, I hurt you

You were the one person I could trust

I feel the drugs pooring out of my skin

I need more, my body won't stop shaking!

Make it stop

Fuck why are you not making it better?

My disease is crying out

HELP ME

SAVE ME

RUN!!!

I know what happens when I succumb to this

I know the consequences

I know the pain

I have seen my friends die from this fucking thing

Yet I hear you whispering my name

I want to come running back to it

Maybe then they will see how bad I got

How lost I was

I remember how much all I wanted to do was DIE!!!!

Now the pain that is brought on is like I am cutting all over again.

I should run from you

I should sheild everything from you

Yet I show up and put my arms out

Cut me

Make me bleed

Tell me how you really feel

I believe you

I am sober

I am clean

I didn't cut

I am a Diseased Individual

...

Hello, Goodbye

Hold me, don't touch me

Where are you?

Come back

Leave! Never talk to me again.

You are here and I cry out for you, you are the last thing I need in my life!

The pain the heartache and the stupidity that follow your name is excruciating!

I need you, I need to know you hear me.

I want you, I want to hold you tight.

I hate you, I live in fear wondering if today I will be weak again.

I love you, I am blessed that you were there when I needed you.

GO AWAY, your the one who caused all this havoc!!!

Now turn around, look in the mirror.

I love you, and I need you and I promise I will never hate you again.

Stay here, don't go.

Together we can do this.

I can't stand on my own

God?
Are you there?

God?
Can you hear me?

God?
I will never leave your side again.

My head, my cave

There are times when I will refer to my head as my cave. It is my safe place, well not really. My head is where I go when you won't shut up. It is a place where I try not to hear you and do whatever I can to make sure that you wont see my pain. My head is also the place where it tells me that I can drink again or maybe I can do drugs again too. My head will tell me the nasty things you would never tell your worst enemy. It does that, but like blankie that is on fire I hold it in close. After all my head is still that place that you can not take away from me.... I try and find the ways for it to be more of a sanctuary and less of a hell.... Nevertheless it will always be my cave.. My hiding spot. It is the place where I go so all you see is the jokes and the laughter.

Now on one hand I try and cover up feelings with laughter which is good because I love to make people laugh... However it is also not so good considering that when I do need someone, a shoulder, an ear I dont know where to turn because all you see is the laughter, the jokes, the humor. Not the little girl inside that is screaming, wretching and hurting all over.

That is okay though. I like that people see me as a girl that can get you to laugh. On the other hand I wonder, do people see me as a laughing stock, or do they see me for who I really am...

I suppose it would be hard to see me for who I am if I never really show you to begin with....

So the question is...How do you show someone your true colors with out throwing the darks in with the whites, to where all you end up with is the dull gray that no one notices?