Thursday, February 2, 2012

Controlled Pain

There are many people who think that cutting is a means of getting attention... As someone who cuts I would like to talk on this topic... For a very long time I was a cutter, many times it was after a traumatic event. One that I didn't know how to express feelings towards, or was too scared to let the feelings come out..

I don't remember the first time I cut, all I remember is the scars. I remember my abuser as a child seeing them and telling me to stop because he would get caught if I didn't... Out of fear of being taken out of my home I stopped for a while. I cut in sobriety, again today I don't remember what was going on but I remember cutting and feeling the relief as soon as any blood was drawn.

Recently I cut again... I have been doing some intense step work and there have been a lot of emotions and feelings that come with this writing. Well, in sobriety we call them emotional black outs, which is where we don't really remember where or how we got to the point of loosing it, but we remember coming to. About two weeks ago, I remember coming to. I had cuts up and down my leg and all across my wrist. I called a friend of mine who is sorta of in recovery. Her mother is also my sponsor. She has since told me that the calmness in my voice, the numbness that she felt in me over the phone scared her.

I can tell you that for me, I do not cut for attention. There is absolutely a sense of relief that comes with it. There are still emotions and feelings that I don't quite have the words to express... As much as I wish I knew how to tell someone what is going on in this head of mine, I still don't know all the answers behind it. Cutting is a lot like drinking for me, there is an immediate sense of relief and ease as soon as the blade cuts the skin, however, there is also an immediate regret, shame and remorse that comes with it. I have been able to get to the point that I do not crave a drink or a drug, I know the path that will lead me on and I want nothing to do with it. With cutting though, there is still a craving for it, the relieve, the comfort, the sense that I am in control of the pain that I feel.

So yes, cutting is a controlled pain. There are many things that have happened in my life that I had no control over as I was a child. Once I found the relief that cutting brought it became a whole new sense of comfort for me. A way to physically see that I bleed too, that there is a pulse inside this body, that I am human... I know that this probably doesn't make much sense but it is the truth.... People don't understand how causing yourself pain will also bring relief. Just like someone doesn't understand why the alcoholic drinks, even after they have lost everything. It doesn't have to make sense... It just is what it is.

Lately I have thought about cutting everyday... I have made the choice of blocking people out of my life and that is my doing, but one thing that will never leave me is that blade, the feeling, the relief, the success of getting what is inside out. As a cutter, that is the craving that comes, that will not be silenced until I cut. But I have to remember the regret, remorse and shame that also comes as soon as I finish the process. The regret of having another scar that I have to hide, the remorse of hurting myself, a child of God and the shame that comes from having to tell the people that love me what I have done.

For now that is what is keeping me from cutting again, I hope that it will be enough,,,

Saturday, November 19, 2011

60th Anniversary

It is well known that I am apart of a 12 step program, well two of them.. AA and Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for the family of friends of alcoholics, the only requirement being that if someone's drinking or sobriety is bothering you, you are welcome! Well today was the 60th Anniversary celebration of Al-Anon. I am so blessed that I was able to get my shift covered and spend the entire day in the presence of what I would like to call my heroes in recovery. The day was filled with speakers that I absolutely adore, and fellowship of both alcoholics and al-anons. My very best friend is also a "double-winner" like me and we agreed that we would go together and keep each other from leaving... As we are both known to bail once emotions get heavy. And boy did they ever, You see most alcoholics and al-anons of my type will do everything possible to hide from any emotions that have to do with those intimate feelings. I can handle being angry, I am very good at that one and find most of my comfort when I am madder than hell. Which I have learned is truly just me being in fear. The only way I know how to express this is through anger. However when I am amongst my brothers and sisters of Al-Anon those emotions show up and for some reason, although they are absolutely uncomfortable, I find that I feel safe to have these emotions, to let the tears well up and fall from my eyes when I am with them.

As I have written before these last couple of months have been very rough. All of which is by my own doing, I lied about some pretty serious shit, and although my sisters in Al-Anon have let it go I continue to badger myself over it on a daily basis. So as the day started I began to hear things that really hit home. I pulled out my pen and paper and started writing down what these speakers were saying. Now the thing that absolutely amazes me is the honesty that these men and women share with. I heard a man who shared about being sober and still being the abusive one. Now I lived in that and that was something my parent would never admit!!! Especially from the podium, and when I thanked him for his honesty, he told me that he loved me. You see, this man may of just met me, but he knows me probably better than I even know myself!

I do not know where to start as I look over these notes of what people said, their experience, strength and hope. They all said so much. Tonight I had to make an amends to one of these speakers, she is my great grand sponsor, and ones of my heroes, a giant in my recovery. She accepted my amends with love, gave me words of wisdom and most importantly told me that she still loves me. As I write this it brings tears to my eyes. These are women who truly have saved my life. I did not know the power of Al-Anon as a whole until I was in my darkest hour and they showed up. I betrayed these people, lied to them, took advantage of them. And for the most part each of them has said, you know what? We are all sick, we love you and we just want you to find a way to not have to lie and to love yourself. I don't think I can even begin to express the gratitude I feel for these people. My sponsor, she has saved my life. At one point, the speaker was sharing about how her sponsor knew all that there was to know about her, probably knew ore about her than she did and she loved her just the same. This brought me to tears, because I know that my sponsor is the same way. She knows me, she gets me and she loves me. That is huge for me! I was reminded that no matter what, no matter how I am feeling, that I have at least one person (and I know there are more) who love me and genuinely care about me. I can't even express how great of a feeling that is! I am so incredibly grateful for her.

Again, tears come to my eyes as I think about that day, the day I was admitted to the hospital. My sponsor said words that I will never forget. She said that no matter what, so long as I got honest with her, that her love for me wasn't going to change. I got honest when she said that. I felt safe, loved and protected in that very moment. AFter getting honest she asked if I was willing to go to any lengths to get better. My grand plan was to kill myself that night so of course I was willing to do absolutely anything! And then she suggested that I go to the psych hospital, I broke down. I was petrified. Mind you I was going to kill myself, but every excuse in the book of why I couldn't go to the hospital came to my head in that very moment. Commitments I had to make, sponsees that I needed to be there for and most importantly, that I was supposed to watch my niece and nephew that week. Now I would kill myself but not go to the hospital because my sister was depending on me. My sponsor called my sister and asked if perhaps she could find someone to help with the kids, of course my sister said not to worry and that she loved me. My sponsor took me to my house, where my room had been ransacked by my roommates and she stayed with me while I packed a bag, changed clothes and off we went to the hospital. She stayed with me until they brought me back to the ward. She sat while I answered the intake questions, she told me I was going to be ok and I believed her. I will never forget that moment that they brought me back, that I hugged her, and this woman who like me, doesn't like to be touched. Held me while I cried, cried so hard I couldn't breathe. She answered the phone every time I called from the hospital, she called my work to tell them where I was at. I know to most people this just sounds like a good friend. But she is like a mom to me, she has stayed true to her word and still is there for me today. She doesn't let me be a victim, she reminds me that I DO have a GOD in my life and I really need to talk to him. She tells me her experience, strength and hope and she tells me she loves me every time we talk. I couldn't ask for a better sponsor, friend or confidant!

There was a time that this speaker was sharing a story about her sponsor, when she told her that she is lovable because her sponsor loves her. I cried tears of gratitude in that very moment, I have people in my life who don't just tell me that, but show me that. Welcome me into their homes and lives, and tell me that they love me... It is an amazing feeling knowing that these aren't just words, it is reality!!!

There was also a speaker who like me, is the depressive variety. He spoke a lot on his journey to finding a relationship with his Higher Power. He talked about the different between faith and trust in a higher power. He told a story that I have heard many times but today it hit home... The story is of the man at the circus who walks the tight rope in the wheel barrel. Now as a you have faith that the man will get across the tight rope with no problem, but do you trust enough to get in the wheel barrel? Now, I have heard this story but the statement he said to follow just brought it home for me. He said that by our own doing we run out of resources, we run ourselves into such a dark place that our only option is to jump into the wheel barrel and pray our way through everything. This made sense to me. I have no other way to turn but to God, and he said that faith is like a muscle, it only gets stronger when you use it... WOW! LIGHT BULB!!! Seriously! Followed with, when the spirit of something fails, everything else falls with it. My spirit, it is broken, not by anyone but me.

My only option is to turn to God, the King of the Kingdom, the one who calls me his princess, to act like his princess, claim my legacy. It is tim to know that I am a being going to a God who loves me more than anything. His love for me has been shown through people in my life, but that love is only a portion of how great his love is for me. I am jumping in the wheel barrel of God, trusting he's got me. Loves me and is the choreographer of my life, no matter when I see it... He's got me in his heart more than any God with skin that I have in my life!

Thank you for such an amazing day, for such amazing women that 'hug me up' and have carried me through these dark times. I love my life and the people God has put in it!

Monday, November 14, 2011


So, I am supposed to be working on my 4th step.... I didn't know that one could have a block when it comes to writing a 4th step... All of my resentments are loud and clear, right in front of my face.... yet for some reason getting them down on paper, just isn't happening tonight.. WTH? Of course there is the possibility that I am just scared of what is going to come out in this writing of this particular step...

I have done plenty of 4th steps before, however, this one is honest. Before, when I wrote my steps, I wasn't honest. Now is different and looking at my life, the things I have done and the things that have been done to me in my life from an open and honest perspective and trusting that God will guide my pen.... Now that my friends is absolutely daunting... There has already been stuff that has come up in writing that has surprised me and set me back big time. It can be very scary to look at these things from an honest view and see that there have been some things in my life that I don't want to admit, let alone write down on paper and share with someone. And although, I have done these before and heard a numerous of other women's 5th steps... I still have that inner fear that once someone knows all of me and every little thing that has happened in my life... that they will look at me differently. Now don't get me wrong, my sponsor is amazing... she has been there for me through some of my absolute darkest time. She is the one that took me to the behavioral hospital without any judgement, just love, support and concern. That has been her from the beginning and she has kept her word from the moment that I got honest, that so long as I get and stay honest with her nothing about our relationship will change. And it hasn't, she has been there for me through everything that happened from me going into the hospital, to the friendships that have been lost, loosing my job as a direct result of going into the hospital she has been here through everything. I have absolutely no reason not to trust that her opinion, love and forgiveness for me will change... Its just a fear that I have...

Good thing there is a fear inventory to be taken! Today I met with my AA sponsor (the 4th step I am working on is for Al-Anon) and we wrote out what my God, my Higher Power means to me... I need to work on talking to him more and having that connection, I know he is there, waiting for me to call on him. I need to continue to ask for his guidance and support. All I know is that I need to get this 4th step done and trust that God will guide me through it as painful as it may be... and he will put the people I need in my life to carry me through this.... My AA sponsor says that God protects me, people help him carry me.

Well thats all for now... More later most likely! :)

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Life as I know it...

I really don't know where to start with this today.... Life has been, well insane. I am really trying to stay focused on what is important, what is in front of me to do... Its hard. The hardest part is trying to remind myself on a daily basis to stay out of the past. The reason I need to stay out of that past is because that is where I hurt people the most. I still do not forgive myself for the lies I told, I still beat myself up about it on a daily basis.... Really, don't believe that I deserve anyones forgiveness, friendship or love. At the same time though I miss my friends, the ones I had before all of this came out. My sponsor told me that I need to let some people in, and let go of the people who have told me they do not wish to talk to me anymore. I know she is right, the pain that comes with knowing that I have lost people who I considered to be more like family is unbearable on most days. Monday I went to a big book study and I felt so apart from the women there, I know this is my doing. No fault to anyone that was there. I just feel like even though the truth is out, I am still living a lie. Not every women there knows that I lied, and according to the many people I have talked to I don't have to tell them. I understand that I am not responsible for the people who have heard through the grapevine the initial lie. I understand that, I guess I just wish that I could just have a do-over.

When I was in the mental ward I was diagnosed with Manic Depression, this was not news to me. I was diagnosed when I first got sober as well... However, once I went through intensive outpatient care I stopped taking my medication. According to the therapist and the counselors at the hospital they stated that the lie may very well be because it was a coping mechanism for me through the manic depression, that I would get very depressed and not feel like I had a reason to be therefore I would make something up. I must say that although this may be true, I do not take this as an excuse. I have also been told my professionals that I will not find a concrete answer to 'why' I lied. My sponsor has said that same thing, actually she says that the 'why' doesn't really matter, preventing it and working on staying honest is what matters, and that is exactly what I am trying to do.

I think the reason, well I know the reason I have been isolating is that I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, and of course I don't want to get hurt either. It has been pointed out to be that no matter who forgives me for what I have done, that I am waiting on two specific individuals to forgive me, and that is the reason why I keep kicking my own ass. When in reality, I may never hear those words from these certain individuals, no matter how close we were.

I am really trying to just stay focused and do what is in front of me to do. I am not happy with where my life is at today, and I know that I am the only one who has the control to change it. One day at a time I know it is possible. I didn't get that bad over night and I won't be all better over night. Sadly, that is the fact of the situation. Time to put the hammer down, although I may pick it up again, I pray that I will remember to put to back down just as fast.

Thursday, January 13, 2011



Sometimes Love can be a four letter word to me. There are people in my life who I love and I can’t explain why. They cause so much pain and heartache and yet I still show up every time. I am starting to learn what love really looks like. Although I will admit that I am still a little put off by the idea of letting people fill in the gap (I have been burned) I am open to finding out who I can trust and go to. I know there is a path that I can find. I just pray that I stay willing to find the path.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Pain From Within

This feeling comes from within

It is a hatred a disgust that I cannot bear

You look at me and you dont really see me

There is a smile on my face and I may even laugh

However you do not see the pain that is with me

Today you left your mark and now some have seen

The path your rath has taken over

I try to rest in Gods hands

This disease of you holds me too tight

My body hurts from the inside

A relief I know comes from a blade

It reminds me that I am human

I want to feel it so bad

But I know that if I do

Too many people will see

My Pain from Within

Friday, January 7, 2011

Chelsea video

Here is a link to the video that Chelsea's mom made for her service. I can see her spirit in these photos.

I miss you baby girl!!!