Steps

So, I am supposed to be working on my 4th step.... I didn't know that one could have a block when it comes to writing a 4th step... All of my resentments are loud and clear, right in front of my face.... yet for some reason getting them down on paper, just isn't happening tonight.. WTH? Of course there is the possibility that I am just scared of what is going to come out in this writing of this particular step...

I have done plenty of 4th steps before, however, this one is honest. Before, when I wrote my steps, I wasn't honest. Now is different and looking at my life, the things I have done and the things that have been done to me in my life from an open and honest perspective and trusting that God will guide my pen.... Now that my friends is absolutely daunting... There has already been stuff that has come up in writing that has surprised me and set me back big time. It can be very scary to look at these things from an honest view and see that there have been some things in my life that I don't want to admit, let alone write down on paper and share with someone. And although, I have done these before and heard a numerous of other women's 5th steps... I still have that inner fear that once someone knows all of me and every little thing that has happened in my life... that they will look at me differently. Now don't get me wrong, my sponsor is amazing... she has been there for me through some of my absolute darkest time. She is the one that took me to the behavioral hospital without any judgement, just love, support and concern. That has been her from the beginning and she has kept her word from the moment that I got honest, that so long as I get and stay honest with her nothing about our relationship will change. And it hasn't, she has been there for me through everything that happened from me going into the hospital, to the friendships that have been lost, loosing my job as a direct result of going into the hospital she has been here through everything. I have absolutely no reason not to trust that her opinion, love and forgiveness for me will change... Its just a fear that I have...

Good thing there is a fear inventory to be taken! Today I met with my AA sponsor (the 4th step I am working on is for Al-Anon) and we wrote out what my God, my Higher Power means to me... I need to work on talking to him more and having that connection, I know he is there, waiting for me to call on him. I need to continue to ask for his guidance and support. All I know is that I need to get this 4th step done and trust that God will guide me through it as painful as it may be... and he will put the people I need in my life to carry me through this.... My AA sponsor says that God protects me, people help him carry me.

Well thats all for now... More later most likely! :)