I really don't know where to start with this today.... Life has been, well insane. I am really trying to stay focused on what is important, what is in front of me to do... Its hard. The hardest part is trying to remind myself on a daily basis to stay out of the past. The reason I need to stay out of that past is because that is where I hurt people the most. I still do not forgive myself for the lies I told, I still beat myself up about it on a daily basis.... Really, don't believe that I deserve anyones forgiveness, friendship or love. At the same time though I miss my friends, the ones I had before all of this came out. My sponsor told me that I need to let some people in, and let go of the people who have told me they do not wish to talk to me anymore. I know she is right, the pain that comes with knowing that I have lost people who I considered to be more like family is unbearable on most days. Monday I went to a big book study and I felt so apart from the women there, I know this is my doing. No fault to anyone that was there. I just feel like even though the truth is out, I am still living a lie. Not every women there knows that I lied, and according to the many people I have talked to I don't have to tell them. I understand that I am not responsible for the people who have heard through the grapevine the initial lie. I understand that, I guess I just wish that I could just have a do-over.
When I was in the mental ward I was diagnosed with Manic Depression, this was not news to me. I was diagnosed when I first got sober as well... However, once I went through intensive outpatient care I stopped taking my medication. According to the therapist and the counselors at the hospital they stated that the lie may very well be because it was a coping mechanism for me through the manic depression, that I would get very depressed and not feel like I had a reason to be therefore I would make something up. I must say that although this may be true, I do not take this as an excuse. I have also been told my professionals that I will not find a concrete answer to 'why' I lied. My sponsor has said that same thing, actually she says that the 'why' doesn't really matter, preventing it and working on staying honest is what matters, and that is exactly what I am trying to do.
I think the reason, well I know the reason I have been isolating is that I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, and of course I don't want to get hurt either. It has been pointed out to be that no matter who forgives me for what I have done, that I am waiting on two specific individuals to forgive me, and that is the reason why I keep kicking my own ass. When in reality, I may never hear those words from these certain individuals, no matter how close we were.
I am really trying to just stay focused and do what is in front of me to do. I am not happy with where my life is at today, and I know that I am the only one who has the control to change it. One day at a time I know it is possible. I didn't get that bad over night and I won't be all better over night. Sadly, that is the fact of the situation. Time to put the hammer down, although I may pick it up again, I pray that I will remember to put to back down just as fast.