My head, my cave

There are times when I will refer to my head as my cave. It is my safe place, well not really. My head is where I go when you won't shut up. It is a place where I try not to hear you and do whatever I can to make sure that you wont see my pain. My head is also the place where it tells me that I can drink again or maybe I can do drugs again too. My head will tell me the nasty things you would never tell your worst enemy. It does that, but like blankie that is on fire I hold it in close. After all my head is still that place that you can not take away from me.... I try and find the ways for it to be more of a sanctuary and less of a hell.... Nevertheless it will always be my cave.. My hiding spot. It is the place where I go so all you see is the jokes and the laughter.

Now on one hand I try and cover up feelings with laughter which is good because I love to make people laugh... However it is also not so good considering that when I do need someone, a shoulder, an ear I dont know where to turn because all you see is the laughter, the jokes, the humor. Not the little girl inside that is screaming, wretching and hurting all over.

That is okay though. I like that people see me as a girl that can get you to laugh. On the other hand I wonder, do people see me as a laughing stock, or do they see me for who I really am...

I suppose it would be hard to see me for who I am if I never really show you to begin with....

So the question is...How do you show someone your true colors with out throwing the darks in with the whites, to where all you end up with is the dull gray that no one notices?