The Dash

This is the poem that inspired my tattoo.... I am in recovery and a saying that my sponsor and I say quite often is "I LOVE MY LIFE!!" No matter what is going on, good or bad we just try to remind ourselves that we are blessed to be in recovery and that we are going to live this life to the best!!!!!! So the heart represents LOVING and the dash represents our life. We drew up the design, so now my sponsor, my best friend and she is also my roommate got matching tattoos.

Here is the poem.

THE DASH

by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end


He noted that first came her date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years


For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.


For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.


So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.


If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.


And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.


If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.


So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash

Dark beautiful girl

Look up and see four pail white people

and in the distance a dark beautiful

person is standing by herself smiling down.

This child will be deaf,

silence is her noise.

That dark beautiful girl strived to communicate

with this girl that would never hear.

Looking at hatred through out the family tree,

I cannot hear what is being said....

Violence is all I see.

People are laughing maybe there was a funny joke.

The sister the enemy says they're laughing at me.

A miracle has come,

the deaf child will now be able to hear.

No longer happy, content with myself

I think they're all for some reason mad at me.

How strange.

See and hear racism in the family,

although the family is mixed.

See and hear hatred and violence thinking

it was never here.

The dark beautiful girl, the sister, the best friend,

now a young lady says

Jess, it has always been this way.

So I sit here wishing I was deaf

So I could see what I wanted to hear.

***************

Wrote this in Junior High.

Letter from my Dad

Jessica,

AT the request of your church group it's our pleasure to present this letter of affirmation to you. Although I have plenty to declare, verify, avow, and otherwise brag about when it comes to the woman named Jessica ...... I'll try to concisely state our affirmation.

Your growth in adolescence required courage and hard work on your part. In the protexting and nurturing environment of your family, church, and friends you have flourished into a full-hearted, free-spirited, and daring minded woman. To all your activities as a young woman you bring the richness of your sensitivity, your intuitiveness, your generosity and trustworthiness.

You have come to understand the joy and the responsibility we have for the spiritual character of our thinking and choosing. Through prayer and perseverance your thoughts, feeling, attitudes, choices, and by these your life in Christ has advanced with each experience. As a result you treat men and women with openness, respect, acceptance and tenderness.

Your Mother and I savor the privilege of life with you. From the days of enjoying your childhood, the many camping trips and family events, to watching the hours of service to your church, your servant-leadership within Special Olympics,your volunteering to learn and sign for the deaf, your aide and ssistance to the less fortunate, you have as Mother Teresa asks, "Let no one ever come away from you, without coming away better and happier."

Your desire to follow-through based on deep personal faith in God, coupled with your gift to develop the potential for good in people has illuminated your intellect, made you more receptive to the truth, and lit up the path for many who have shared life with you. You have taken to heart the words of Mother Teresa "The fruit of prayer is a deepening of faith, and the fruit of faith is love, and the fruit of love is service."

In the Bible, service is always linked to a specific call that comes from God. For this reason, it represents the greatest fulfillment of dignity. You have responded to the churches teaching of the ideal of service, and lessons of servant leadership and the achieved a respectful balance of pride and humility. Not only has this sent a message to help others overcome the temptations of individualism and the illusion of obtaining happoness that way, it has served to uphold the dignity and rights of woman you have some in contact with.

Faith clarifies the intellect and makes for sharper discernment. St. Augustine is referring to this dynamic when he says, credo ut intelligam- "I believe in order that I may understand." With the prayerfil hope and reflection you have exercised your faith, strenghtened your prayer life and conquered fear, even in the present world situation. You have come to understand more deeply the meaning of the redemptive work of Christ.

We are extremely proud to affirm our love and admiration for you Jessica, a woman of dignity, high character, and a deep faith and a profound love of God.

With all our love,
Mom and Dad

*********************

My dad wrote this letter when I was getting confirmed for church.

I Am From

'I am from silence, muffled sounds all around me; surgeries try to fix the 'problem', now if I focus the sounds are clear.

I am from the cold dark nights, never knows what would happen next.

I am from abuse, terror and betrayal never truly understanding the meaning of love.

I am from diversity, she is black I am white. The racist people affecting my family, she is the best sister and friend you could ask for.

I am from Ireland, or Eire, green grass, religious wars, my heritage and the usual pub where all the troubles go away.

I am from Catholicism, forced to go as a child, now the ritual, the Eucharist, the feelings that bring comfort and joy.

I am from the snowy mountains, intimidating, challenging, success, all I need are my skis and I am off to find my peace.

I am from death, suicide, murder, car accidents, and war. Loved ones dying left and right. Somehow people try to make excuses although we never know why.

I am from family, so far apart. A strange thing happening with no answers, again just excuses. Now I know what happened was wrong. Yet the love that I have for them is still there.

I am from healing and change, no more Whaley I cna go to the regular school, now I am me for me, as my own.

I am from my faith, so weak at one point but how strong it has been to pull me through all the bad and the good. Without it I probably wouldn't be here. With out it the truth wouldn't be so clear.

*****

Wrote in highschool.
I remember writing this for a school assignment. I was just starting to have flashbacks of the incest that took place as a child. I was engaged at the time. I was a full time mom to my best friends son. I was getting high on a regular basis to keep up with life.

Define Ugly

Let me define Ugly

Someone who has hair that is wavy

Complextion that is bumpy

A body that is fatty

A stomach that is far from skinny

Wait a minute

Who is this girl?

Ya, that's right it's me

****************

Wrote in 5th grade

Child do Not

Child do not hit your loved ones

Are we Daddy's loved ones?

Child do not yell are your loved ones

Are we Mommy's loved ones?

Child do no put holes in the walls

Have you ever seen my walls?

Child do not throw things

Mommy and Daddy throw things

Child just pray


*******

I have always kept writings from when I was a kid. I wrote this when I was in Junior High.

There was a time where I called you my best friend

Now you take their side

I trusted you to have my back

You promised to never leave my side

Where are you now?

Where were you today?

I needed my sister

I needed my best friend

Someone who knows how bad they can get

You weren't there

You lied

I can't trust you

I love you

Please stay away

Diseased Individual

I am a Diseased Indiviual

My body screams for anything that can harm me

A drink

A drug

Sex

Cutting

These things when I use them become my drug

I cry out for them

I want the escape

When I feel that burning sensation down my chest I feel the warmth on my cold heart

When I snort that line, smoke that pipe or pop that pill my head shuts up and you no longer matter to me

When I get fucked I want more of it, again an escape something that makes me feel worthy, something that makes me feel loved

I want you, I need you!!!!

I want to feel that warmth on my heart, I want to feel that escape!!!

I need this head to shut up!!!

Love me, tell me I matter.

Now the consequences are real

Im in hand cuffs, I dont know what I did

I caused more pain, I hurt you

You were the one person I could trust

I feel the drugs pooring out of my skin

I need more, my body won't stop shaking!

Make it stop

Fuck why are you not making it better?

My disease is crying out

HELP ME

SAVE ME

RUN!!!

I know what happens when I succumb to this

I know the consequences

I know the pain

I have seen my friends die from this fucking thing

Yet I hear you whispering my name

I want to come running back to it

Maybe then they will see how bad I got

How lost I was

I remember how much all I wanted to do was DIE!!!!

Now the pain that is brought on is like I am cutting all over again.

I should run from you

I should sheild everything from you

Yet I show up and put my arms out

Cut me

Make me bleed

Tell me how you really feel

I believe you

I am sober

I am clean

I didn't cut

I am a Diseased Individual

...

Hello, Goodbye

Hold me, don't touch me

Where are you?

Come back

Leave! Never talk to me again.

You are here and I cry out for you, you are the last thing I need in my life!

The pain the heartache and the stupidity that follow your name is excruciating!

I need you, I need to know you hear me.

I want you, I want to hold you tight.

I hate you, I live in fear wondering if today I will be weak again.

I love you, I am blessed that you were there when I needed you.

GO AWAY, your the one who caused all this havoc!!!

Now turn around, look in the mirror.

I love you, and I need you and I promise I will never hate you again.

Stay here, don't go.

Together we can do this.

I can't stand on my own

God?
Are you there?

God?
Can you hear me?

God?
I will never leave your side again.

My head, my cave

There are times when I will refer to my head as my cave. It is my safe place, well not really. My head is where I go when you won't shut up. It is a place where I try not to hear you and do whatever I can to make sure that you wont see my pain. My head is also the place where it tells me that I can drink again or maybe I can do drugs again too. My head will tell me the nasty things you would never tell your worst enemy. It does that, but like blankie that is on fire I hold it in close. After all my head is still that place that you can not take away from me.... I try and find the ways for it to be more of a sanctuary and less of a hell.... Nevertheless it will always be my cave.. My hiding spot. It is the place where I go so all you see is the jokes and the laughter.

Now on one hand I try and cover up feelings with laughter which is good because I love to make people laugh... However it is also not so good considering that when I do need someone, a shoulder, an ear I dont know where to turn because all you see is the laughter, the jokes, the humor. Not the little girl inside that is screaming, wretching and hurting all over.

That is okay though. I like that people see me as a girl that can get you to laugh. On the other hand I wonder, do people see me as a laughing stock, or do they see me for who I really am...

I suppose it would be hard to see me for who I am if I never really show you to begin with....

So the question is...How do you show someone your true colors with out throwing the darks in with the whites, to where all you end up with is the dull gray that no one notices?